ICU Day 5

Mom had a rough night. She didn't get much sleep. The nurse kept coming in because of her breathing. She is back up to 100% oxygen. They will consider moving her to regular hospital care when she gets down to 50% oxygen. It sounds like she is going to be here awhile. She is having an emotional day today. She doesn't understand how she got sick so fast and she doesn't understand why she isn't getting better. She keeps saying, "This isn't me. Usually I bounce right back". I told her it is going to take some time and she needs to be patient and allow time for the medication to start working. She said, "I almost died!" Yes mom, you probably would have died if dad didn't bring you in when he did. She keeps wondering if she could have done something different to avoid getting to this point. She said, "maybe I stayed in St. George too long." She wants to go home really bad. We told her we want her to go home to. She has not been home for 4 months because she has been down in St. George with me during the winter months. She told the nurses to leave her alone so she can get some sleep. She didn't eat breakfast and all she had for lunch was some chicken broth and a few bites of jello. She is starting to lose her appetite. After she took a little nap I helped her use the bedside commode. I have put my CNA skills to use. I wiped my mothers bottom for the first time then I gave her a bed bath. When I was a CNA I knew the time would come when I would have to assist my aging parents but I never expected it would be when my mother was at the young age of 59. It breaks my heart to see my mother like this. I feel so helpless. I told her I would take it all away if I could. I would rather be the one suffering. I'm starting to feel like I'm dreaming. It feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare and I can't wake up. It is starting to take a toll on me and I have almost reached my breaking point. It is so depressing being here. I miss my husband and kids. I want to go home yet, I want to be here with her. I hope to see some progress soon because I'm starting to lose hope that she is going to get better and I'm starting to lose faith because my prayers are not being answered.

ICU Day 4

They were concerned that her kidneys may be effected because there was blood in her urine. Today the doctor said her kidneys looked better. Her breathing is still the same. I'm glad it's not worse but it's frustrating that she is not getting better. The smallest tasks are so hard for her. She took her oxygen off to wash her face and comb her hair while still laying in bed and her oxygen level immediately dropped down to 65 when it should stay above 90.

Two rhumatologist came in to check on her. I asked when she could leave the ICU. They said her lungs took quite a hit. She is still on a high flow of oxygen. When she can graduate from the high flow mask to the regular oxygen nose piece then she can go home but to plan on her going home with oxygen. It will take a while for her lungs to heal. They said it takes about 3 weeks for the immunosuppressent to start working. It's a matter of how and when her body responds to the drugs. They are waiting for the biopsy slide from St. George so the rhumatologist can examine it and have the pathologist here test it as well.

She is awake a lot but takes several cat naps in between all the people coming in and out.  It's hard for her to eat. The oxygen tube gets in the way and I guess it's hard to breath while eating. They did an ultrasound on her legs today to check for blood clots as a precautionary to laying in bed so much. Everything looked good.  Her friend Cindy and the bishops wife came to visit her but she was asleep so I wouldn't let them in. I told them she needed to rest. Shortly after they left her friend Ginger stopped by. She didn't stay long; about ten minutes is all. She was awake by this point but not really in the mood to have a conversation. She hasn't been up to conversing for about 2 weeks now. She mostly just nods her head yes or no.

ICU Day 3

Dad and I arrived at the hospital around 8:45am. A little later today. We are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. When we walked in the room Mom said she was just about to go to sleep. She mumbled while saying "I just kicked the doctor out. They had just brought me breakfast and he came in to talk but I was having a coughing fit while trying to eat so I told him to leave". I could tell she was tired. I told her to take a nap while I sit and update my blog. So here I sit quietly listening to my mother breath while she sleeps. The machine keeps beeping because her oxygen level keeps dropping under 90. I have noticed it seems to drop more while she sleeps. This morning when I woke up I prayed specifically that the inflammation in her lungs would go down, she would be able to keep her oxygen levels up and be able to breath on her own. At this point we have to sit and wait for the steroids and the immunosuppressant drugs to take effect and help bring the inflammation in her lungs down.

The physical therapist came in to work with her. First the respiratory therapist had to increase her oxygen because any movement such as just sitting up is so exhausting that it lowers her oxygen. The physical therapist started with simple things. She had her move her feet, point her toes, move her arms, resist the pressure being pushed against her arms. Then she had to sit up, straighten her legs, stand up and take a few steps. By this point she had to get back in bed because her oxygen levels were dropping.

She got a little bit of rest in between all the in and out of doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, CNA's, social workers, case workers, nutritionists and cleaners. Not to mention all the blood work, finger pricks, insulin shots, IV injections, vital checks, oxygen checks and X-rays. She was able to take a little nap this morning. This time while she was sleeping I had a scare. Dad left to get a drink so I was here alone with her. Her oxygen level was bouncing between 84 and 88. The machine kept beeping but no one came in to check on her. Then it dropped to 83 and the machine started beeping faster. I was watching it to see if it would go back up but it didn't. My stomach dropped and I flew out of my chair so I could wake her and have her take some deep breaths. Just as I was about to wake her it started going back up. Shortly after, a CNA came in to prick her finger to test her blood sugar. I told him what was going on. He got a respiratory therapist to come in. They increased the oxygen flow from 70 to 90. I am seriously terrified that she is going to stop breathing while she is asleep.

She requested to have a priesthood blessing. I was surprised. It makes me feel like she must have a little bit of faith left in her. The bishop stopped by to see her so he gave her a blessing while he was here. Even if she doesn't have any faith I think I have enough for the both of us.

Tonight while driving home I asked dad the question that we both hate being asked.
"How are you dad?" He replied by saying he is worn down.

ICU Day 2

Dad and I got back to the hospital by 7:00am so we could be here for the update that the nurses give when they do a shift change. Mom was wearing a different oxygen mask. Instead of the basic kind that just goes in the nostrils she was wearing both the nostril kind and the kind that covers the whole mouth. They explained that she was not getting enough oxygen so they tried another mask. She is supposed to stay above 90 but she was bouncing around in the 80's. She wore the face mask for a few hours but they had to crank the oxygen machine up to 100% oxygen which is bad for the lungs so they decided to try one more mask that has a high flow. The respiratory therapist had said that if she still does not respond well to the new mask or if she gets worse then they will need to put her on a ventilator.

 They had her on a liquid only diet because they were afraid of her aspirating. She could have things like jello, pudding, broth, juice and ice chips. Just as the nutritionist brought her lunch tray in the nurse took it away. They had decided she couldn't have anything! Not even liquids or a sip of water until they get her oxygen level up. Mom was not happy about that! She was whining and whimpering that they took her food away. The high flow mask really started bothering her. There was so much air coming out so fast it was hurting her nose and drying it out. She also said it was loud and it sounds like she is stuck in the back of a jet plane. She claimed the air was coming out her ears because she has tubes in her ears. She kept sliding the mask down her face because it was bothering her so much. The nurse came in and saw what she was doing and she was NOT happy about it. The nurse told her she needed to put her big girl panties on and suck it up! She assured her that if she wanted to get better than she needed to obey the rules. If she keeps it on long enough to get her oxygen level where it needs to be then they can lower the pressure. Needless to say, mom put it back on.

She had joint pain but the first couple of doses of prednisone helped relieve her pain. In return the high doses have increased her blood sugar so they have started giving her insulin. She started taking an immunosuppressent called cyclophosphamide which is a pretty serious drug used in cancer chemotherapy for auto immune problems. Hopefully she won't have to take it for long. Once she is in remission they can put her on a milder immunosuppressant as a maintenance's drug.

She is still very weak. She has no energy to do anything. Her feet are numb, she can't walk let alone stand. She has to use a bed pan. She is coughing up blood and she has blood in her urine and in her stool. The doctor said it might be attacking her kidney's now too so they took a urine sample. He told us that this disease gets worse before it gets better. He also told us the possibility of her being on a ventilator and the possibility of dialysis to clean the ANCA out of her blood if she gets worse.

It was another long exhausting day. Dad, Courtney and I spent the entire day with her and took turns taking breaks so that there was always someone by her side. We left the hospital around 10:30pm and went straight home and straight to bed. I was hoping that I would sleep better than the night before. I didn't sleep well previously because my mom had my pillow. It's hard for me to sleep without my pillow so I take it everywhere I go. I brought her pillow to the hospital with me this morning but she didn't want it. She said, "your not going to take your pillow away from me are you". I told her she could keep my pillow. If that is the only thing that makes her some what comfortable then she can keep it!

ICU Day 1

This morning around 11:15am I got a text from my dad saying my mom was in the emergency room. She had woke up feeling like she was dying. She refused to eat and she refused to take her medication. Dad informed her that if she wasn't going to take her medication then he was going to take her to the hospital. She said "I don't think I can even make it in the car to get to the hospital". She was so weak she couldn't even stand or get herself dressed. Dad called a neighbor to come over and help him get her dressed and into the car. He took her to the emergency room at the University of Utah Hospital. After an evaluation they found her oxygen level at 70 and it should stay above 90. It was no wonder she was completely exhausted, she was not getting enough oxygen. They asked if she has been on oxygen and when my dad told them no they were shocked. They admitted her into the hospital. They did a chest x ray which showed severe inflammation in her lungs. Doctors from the ICU examined her and talked with other doctors to determine if she should be in the ICU. At this point I decided I should start checking for flights to Salt Lake City so I could be with my mom. I found a flight that left St. George at 3:15 which only gave me about an hour to catch the flight. John called Delta to book the flight while I started packing. I hadn't had time or felt like eating all day. John told me I should eat before I leave. I kept watching the clock but assumed it was not that big of a deal to be too early because it's a small town and a small airport. On my way to the airport at 2:45 I got the news that she was headed to the ICU. We got to the airport at 2:55. St. George is a very small airport with only one gate. I ran inside not knowing where to go to check in. Straight ahead was the security check point. I saw a TSA man standing there and asked him where I was supposed to go. He said "are you on the SLC flight?" I said "yes". He said, " I don't think you are going to make it. I think they already closed the door". Already being on the verge of tears since finding out my mom was in the hospital I literally broke down crying begging and pleading to let me on the plane. I said, My mom is in the ICU. I need to get to her. Please! I have to get on that plane! Please! there has to be someone out there you can talk to". He said he did not have the authority to go out there and told me I was supposed to be here 25 minutes before the flight. I told him I just bought the ticket over the phone an hour ago packed my bags and got here as soon as I could. I said, "the plane is still here and it's not time for it to leave yet so why can't I get on?"  He said it was against federal regulation to open the door once it has been closed. He also said there was no one at the check in counter because they were helping to load the plane. He finally found someone from check in to talk to me. Again, I poured my heart out cried and begged to get on the plane. She made it clear that it was too late. Security was gone, the door was shut and connecting flights would be delayed if they let me on. She said they leave the check in counter 25 minutes before take off to load the plane and help on board because it is such a small airport. As I stood there crying John asked what I could do about getting another flight. We were told that was the last flight for the day, there were no flights out of Cedar City left for the day and all flights tomorrow are overbooked in Cedar City and Saint George because of the Iron Man Competition. I continued to have an emotional breakdown the whole way home. John demanded that he drive me to Salt Lake City to drop me off. He didn't want me driving because I was so upset. He loaded the kids in the car. We dropped Whitney off at a friends house for a birthday party and told her daddy would be back late but he would keep in touch with her and we could find a place for her to go. John planned on taking Caysen with us. I begged him not to take me to Salt Lake because I didn't want Caysen to go stir crazy in the car for 8 hours round trip and I didn't want him driving there and back because he had hardly slept for two days. I begged him to stay home with the kids and let me drive myself. John refused and he was already behind the wheel driving in route so I knew I wasn't getting out of it. I told him to at least pull over so we could find a place for Caysen to go. I called my friend Renae whom has been aware of my moms health problems. She was happy to take Caysen and offered him to spend the night. Now the kids were taken care of and I could focus on getting to my mom. I cried a little more and then began doing some more research about this horrible disease. I kept in touch with dad and my sister Courtney the whole way with any updates of moms condition. Before I knew it, I was there. Courtney and Jeremy had left just before I got there around 8:00pm. I met my dad by the main entrance. With my suitcase and pillow in tow I gave John a kiss goodbye. Just like that he was gone. He headed back to St. George to be with the kids.

Dad and I headed to the ICU. When mom saw me she said, "you didn't need to come". I told her I would never forgive myself if something happened to her and I wasn't there. I told her John is taking care of the kids and this is where I need to be.    

The assistant Rheumatologist examined her and started her on an IV with steroids. They are discussing which immunosuppressent drug would be the best for her. Hopefully they can get her started on that tomorrow. I spent the next few hours sitting by her side. She was not up for conversation because it is too hard for her to talk and she didn't feel like conversing. I sat and listened to her whimpers and moans. She looked miserable. My mother will always be beautiful in my eyes but she just looked like she felt miserable. She was also uncomfortable and complaining about the hospital pillow. I lifted her head and put my pillow under her head. She said "oh". That was all she needed to get more comfortable and all I needed to know I was not getting my pillow back.

Dad and I left around 10:30. We went to Applebee's to get some dinner. By this time I was completely exhausted! My eyes burned from crying, I was tired and I was hungry. As we walked in the restaurant the host said "how are you doing this evening"? Dad and I looked at each other and I looked back at the host and said, "I could tell you we're fine but that would be a lie".                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Summertime

I love Summertime because........I love spending time with my kids. I don't have to be on a schedule. We get to stay up late and sleep in. We get to travel and go camping. The water at the lake is finally warm enough for me to get in and it's pageant season!

This summer we spent our time packing in as much fun as we could squeeze into one summer! School got out on my birthday. We celebrated our 12th anniversary the next day. A week later was Whitney's 9th birthday. We celebrated with a "tea party" with her friends. I competed in the Mrs. Utah United States pageant and made several trips to SLC for rehearsals, photo shoot and dinner Gala.We took the kids to the monster truck show. We spent a week in San Diego at the beach house. Caysen learned to ride a bike. Uncle Fred taught him on the beach and John practiced with him on the boardwalk. We went to Lego Land. Caysen got his teeth fixed with 12 silver crowns and about 16 cavities filled.We spent a week in SLC and took the kids to the Zoo, Taylorsville Dayzz, Lagoon and Park City where we road the Alpine slide and coaster. Caysen celebrated his 5th birthday with a Transformer party at Jumpin' Jacks. My friend Lisa moved to Las Vegas right when school got out. Her and the kids came to stay with us for 4 days and we spent a lot of time swimming and relaxing. I went to Las Vegas to see the Mrs. United States pageant. We went to Brian Head to spend the 4th of July with my new friend Megan at her condo. Two weeks later we went back with our toy hauler and went camping. We rode the razor on a trail to Panguitch Lake. John had knee surgery. Whitney practiced cheer all summer long and made team captain. Caysen started gymnastics. Whitney got her braces off. We went camping for our family reunion at the Lodge Pole campground in the Uinta Mountains then we went to Vernal for a couple of nights with my mom and dad where we took the kids to dinosaur land. My friend Leslie and her family came to visit and we spent 4 days swimming, shopping, boating, 4 wheeling, went to the Washington County fair where we saw the annual demolition derby and the kids walked on water. We had a BBQ, went frog hunting, saw Aladdin at Tauchaun and hiked the narrows at Zion's. After an eventful summer you can see why it's hard for it to come to an end but I'm pretty sure we were able to squeeze in all our favorite things! Now that summer is over I'm trying to be better about being on a schedule. I'm going to make it part of my schedule to update my blog at least once a week.

Family Ties

About a year ago we had a very challenging time in our marriage. Satan is real and he will try his hardest to break our families apart. We have learned how important it is to stay close to our Heavenly Father. We decided to make some changes to help us grow spiritually stronger. Since then, we started having family home evening, nightly scripture study and family prayer. We have grown spiritually, have a closer family bond, a better understanding of the gospel and a stronger testimony. I have so many blessings to be thankful for. I truly am grateful to have the gospel in my life. I am thankful for my Lord and Savior, I am thankful for the atonement and the gift of repentance. I am thankful for my challenges and trials in life because they make me grow stronger. I am thankful for a kind loving husband who is willing to grow spiritually with me. He is a hard worker, a wonderful husband and amazing father. I'm thankful for my children, the gift of motherhood and the opportunity to teach them. They are my life and the air I breath. I love their sweet spirits and do my best to raise them to be respectful, honest, compassionate and to treat everyone equal. I am thankful for life and all it brings; the ups and downs, learning new things, discovering new talents and just enjoying the journey.

Mrs. Utah US Continental

I can't believe I was crowned the new Mrs. Utah US Continental. After several pageants I finally got to experience my crowning moment as my dream came true. My husband, kids and parents were there to support me during this journey. My journey was long and exhausting as I prepared mentally, physically and emotionally for the pageant. I spent countless hours finding the perfect evening gown and the best aerobic wear that was the most flattering for my not so perfect body. I spent more time at the gym than usual trying to get into shape for the pageant. I spent a lot of time filling out my application and judges biography form. I also spent time driving to SLC for meetings and photo shoots and the actual competition. Of course you can't take part in a pageant without all that glamorous stuff so I spent more time getting my hair done, buying new make up, getting a tan, getting my nails done.....But, I think I spent the most time preparing my platform. I put a lot of thought into what would be the right platform for me. I decided on "Reach Out And Make A Difference". Because of my experience with fund raising, community service and helping others I felt it was a perfect platform for me. I am so excited as I embark on this new journey.

Update

We found Mr. Jingles! I was eating lunch at Five Guys when my cell phone rang. It was a man saying that he found Mr. Jingles and he was not in good shape. I asked if he was alive. He said yes, he is very much alive and biting everyone's toes! He said that his 11 year old daughter and her friend were playing at the park and they heard a kitten crying. The investigated and followed the cry. He was in the mud by the river. He was coughing aand did'nt look too good. She took him home and gave him 2 baths. One with flea and tick remover and one with shampoo. She got him all washed up and insisted on keeping him. She went and bought him toys and a litter box. He said he had to figure out a way to tell his daughter that Jingles has a home. I hesitated for a moment about just letting her keep him and just let Whitney think that he was never found but it broke my heart every time she cried for him. When Whitney got home from school I told her I had a surprise. She said where is it? I told her it was not here yet but that she was going to be sooooo happy! She asked if I found Jingles? I told her I did and she said lets go get him. The guy who called said he had to work but that he would drop him off later. Shortly after he brought Jingles back home. He said he told his daughter and she said the right thing to do was to give him back to the rightful owner. He said she proved the she can take care of a kitten and he is going to get her another one. I'm so glad that I made those flyers and posted them and Jingles was found in only 2 days! I reminded Whitney that God does answer prayers :)

Goodbye Grandma

My grandma and grandpa were 8 years apart. Who would have thought she would go first. She was put into assisted living about a year ago. She enjoyed her first few months there then she began to go downhill quickly. She fell and broke her arm, she had urinary tract infections which caused other problems and infections and she had some dementia. She was on oxygen and in a wheelchair and stared at the walls until an aid came by and moved her somewhere else. Not a quality of life at all. Her suffering has come to an end. This is the letter I wrote my grandma and read at her funeral.

My dear loving grandmother,

My heart is full of so many different emotions, thoughts and memories of you. I don’t know what to say but I don’t want to say goodbye without saying something, without letting you know how much I love you. I can’t believe your life on this earth has come to an end. I feel it all happened too quickly but I don’t think I would ever have enough time to prepare myself for your loss. Instead, I must tell myself how blessed I was to share 31 years of my life with you. You were an important part of my childhood, you got to watch me grow into a young woman, see me get married and have children of my own and be in a small part of their lives.
I have so many memories of you through out the years. I have listed my memories in order from my childhood on up. I remember when I was 5 or 6 me and Courtney had a sleep-over at your house. You cooked dinner and I told you I didn’t feel like eating because my tummy hurt but you made me eat it anyway. That night Courtney and I slept in your bed. Courtney was rudely awakened by the sound of me throwing up in my sleep. You were mad that I threw up in your bed but you later called and apologized. After that you never let me sleep in your bed again and you made me sleep on the floor with a bucket next to me.
I always loved going to “grandma’s” house. I liked the shag red carpet, beads in the doorway, lava lamps, nick knacks from around the world, the gumball machine and of course the park across the street. I remember wanting to take my friends to my grandma’s house so they could see how cool it was. The highlight was finding pennies to put in the gumball machine; until I was about 8 then I learned how to unscrew the top off using the pennies. Then I could just take a handful of gumballs and pocket the pennies. You gave that gumball machine to Whitney for Christmas and now I have it in my home to look at every day and remind me of those memories. Now my 3 year old son knows how to steal the gumballs.
I also remember you would come over and want to see our new school clothes. You always wanted me to model them for you. It was like a fashion show because you wanted to see every outfit. I of course didn’t mind because I liked to model.
Another fond memory I have was the year that we spent Christmas with you and grandpa in Quartzsite Arizona. I think I was about 11 years old. You and grandpa spent a lot of time there in the winter. We had a nice quiet Christmas as a family then we went to church at a local church house and ate Christmas dinner at a truck stop. We went shopping at a flea market. I called out “grandma” and a man working there said to you “you don’t look old enough to be a grandma”. You were tickled pink! I remember how devastated you were when you sold your 5th wheel and had to start spending the winters at home. We all know how much you hated the cold. You kept your thermostat set at 90 degrees in the summertime!
You always wanted to make sure the family was together during the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas won’t be the same without you. I remember every Christmas after Courtney and I opened our presents we would put our gifts in a pile so that when you came over you could see what we got. I remember that on Easter we would go to your house and show you our Easter dresses and what the Easter Bunny brought us. You of course would always pick a treat out of our baskets for yourself!
You always told me, “Stay your sweet self and don’t ever change”. I remember when I turned 11 or 12 you said that I was going to be a bratty teenager. I told you I was not a teenager yet. You said I was close enough; I was a “tween”. But you always reminded me to stay my sweet self and to never change. And you always told me how proud you were of me. I hope I can continue to make you proud as you watch over me from above.
I remember you and grandpa used to come stay at our house and babysit us when my mom and dad would go on vacation. One time while you guys where watching us you took me and Courtney and a few of our friends to Lagoon and spent the whole day with us. I remember your favorite ride was the scrambler. You had to tie a scarf around your head so your wig would not fly off.
When I reached my college years you, my mom and I took a road trip to St. George to help me register for college and find an apartment. Then we took a drive out to Kanab. You loved taking road trips and sightseeing. You always looked forward to it. I wish I had more memories of traveling with you. You had a love for traveling and seeing the world. I know you built many memories with my mother on your ventures around the world together. I wish I would have had the opportunity to travel with you to Africa or see the Panama Canal.
I remember how hard it was to tell you that I was moving to St. George. I was sad, upset and crying. Not only was I crying because I was sad but I also thought you were going to be mad at me for moving. I was sad to move away from my family and sad that you guys would not get to see my children grow. I made every effort to drive to Salt Lake to visit as much as possible. Every time I drove up you would worry yourself sick about me driving all that way. You could not figure out why my kids had to be in a car seat. You thought it was a hassle and a lot of work. But, I always looked forward to bringing my kids to come visit you because I loved to see the excitement on your face and how much joy they brought to you. I know you truly loved them with all your heart. I will never forget the times you held them in your arms and stared in their eyes, the times you fed them a bottle or kissed their entire bodies or the time you gave Whitney a bath. I will cherish those memories forever. And I can only wish that you could have been in their lives longer.
A few random memories of you are: You had an amazing love for animals especially cats. My mom would bring you to our house just so you could get your “furry loves” in. You loved See’s chocolates and circus peanuts, reading, watching your shows, listening to Rush Limbaugh and saying the word “gads”. I could never figure out why you always kissed our arms and legs. You hated noise and living by the park especially during the fun-o-rama . You were very outspoken and not afraid to voice your opinion or say it how it is. You were always paranoid about things that were out of your control and you always nagged me to wear moisturizer.
My last memory of you was when I went to the care center to visit you. We sat and ate lunch together, had a nice visit and did an art project. You sat and watched Whitney make her project. I reminded you that she was your Great Grand-daughter and you proudly said “oh, really? Well isn’t she a doll?” You were always the first to say that she had your good looks or your talents and that she was just like you. You were so proud of her and loved her so much. It broke my heart the day that you did not remember her. May you be her guardian angel and proudly watch over her from above.
Now you have graduated and moved on into the presence of our Savior. May you find peace and happiness in the arms of our Heavenly Father and have a joyous reunion with your mother, father, siblings and Rory. It is my testimony I bear to you, I know our family will be together again and live an eternal happiness. May you rest in peace til’ we meet again.



Whitney has such a sweet spirit. She wrote her great b-ma a letter and drew her a picture. The picture was of grandma in heaven with our 2 cats that have passed on and our family outside of heaven. After I read her letter and saw the picture it made me cry. Here is a picture of her picture and what she wrote.




The hardest part of all of this was seeing how upset and confused my grandpa was. Because he suffers with dementia he is forgetful. He kept asking why she died over and over again. He had to keep reliving that moment over and over in his mind. He was so upset and in tears all day. He aslo kept confusing me, my mom and Whitney. He would not let go of Whitney because he thought she was my mom. When he saw me look over the casket he asked if I was her daughter. My Uncle reminded him that I was the grand-daughter. I hated seeing my grandpa like this. it broke my heart.

We had a family prayer and had a chance to say our final goodbye. My grandpa stood up out of his wheelchair with the help of his aid and his son Randy. He leaned over the casket and tried to bend over to give her a kiss goodbye. He could not reach her so he kept trying. Finally his bishop helped by holding up my grandmother's head so my grandpa could give her his final kiss. There was not a dry eye in the room.

This was the last memory I have of my grandpa because 1 week later he died.

School

Whitney is now in 2ND grade and she hates school. She is having a hard time in math. I remember the days when she loved going to school and she hated going shopping with me. She said she would rather go to school than shop. She still hates to shop but now she hates school too. All she wants to do is play with her friends. Caysen just started pre-school. He is going to a program through the state. He was tested as being delayed in speech, cognitive and behavior. He is a handful and keeps me busy. He hates school too, at least he figured it out right away. It took Whitney 4 years to figure it out. I told her to enjoy 2ND grade because school will just keep getting harder and harder. She asked me what 3rd grade was like. I told her she will learn to write cursive. I think I scared her to death. She keeps asking me how to write EVERYTHING in cursive like it's a foreign language or something. She also said it's not fair that Caysen only has to go to school 2 days a week. I tried to explain to her that it WAS fair because it was the same for her when she was 3 and Caysen will have to go to school all day just like her when he turns 5.

The month of May!

This is a busy month for us. We celebrate Mother's Day on the 11th, Whitney's Preschool graduation on the 16th, Whitney's Gymnastics Olympics Games on the 17th, Whitney's dance recital on the 18th, My Birthday and we leave to go to Lake Powell on the 23rd, our Anniversary on the 24th, Whitney's birthday on the 31st and we leave to go to San Diego on the 31st. Does life ever slow down?

Mother's day!

Being a mother is the most rewarding job with the most benefits. I love being a mother! Just the little every day casual things they say and do mean so much to me. I love watching my children grow and lean new things. From the time you conceive them you have that immediate bond with them. It is something that men will never know or experience.